You’re Not “Doing Therapy Wrong”: Understanding Self-Blame in Therapy
Have you ever sat in a waiting room, or opened a new browser tab to book an appointment, and felt a quiet worry settle in “What if I'm not good at this? What if I say the wrong thing? What if I do therapy wrong?”
If so, you're not alone. This question comes up more often than most people realise, and it tends to arrive in the moments just before someone reaches out for help, or just after a previous experience of therapy that didn't quite land the way they hoped. It's worth saying clearly: you cannot do therapy wrong. Not because therapy is easy, or because anything goes, but it’s about how therapy is actually designed to work.
When the question comes up before you've even begun
Many people arrive in therapy with an unspoken expectation: that there is a right way to participate. This expectation often reflects our broader life experiences:
School systems where performance is graded
Workplaces where effort is evaluated
Families where emotional expression had consequences
Cultural or systemic environments where being “good” or “compliant” was safer
When we begin therapy, a space that can feel unfamiliar and undefined, it’s understandable that our mind looks for a rulebook. You might notice thoughts like:
“I should be more insightful than this.”
“I’m talking too much, or not enough.”
“I didn’t do the homework properly.”
“I think I’m wasting their time.”
These thoughts are often signs that something important is happening, internally or relationally.
Therapy as a Process, Not a Performance
It can help to question the assumption underneath the worry. Therapy is generally understood as a collaborative process, not a task you pass or fail. Research consistently shows that one of the strongest predictors of outcomes is the therapeutic relationship, the sense of connection, shared understanding, and agreement on what you’re working toward. This suggests that therapy is less about doing things correctly and more about how the process fits between two people.
From this perspective, moments that feel like “getting it wrong” often carry useful information:
Confusion might signal that something hasn’t been explained clearly
Avoidance might reflect overwhelm or a protective response
Silence might indicate uncertainty, not disengagement
Missed tasks might point to mismatch in pacing, energy, or relevance
Rather than evidence of failure, these moments can be understood as data about fit and signals that something needs to be changed.
Why Self-Blame Shows Up So Quickly
For many people, especially those with trauma histories or high self-criticism, self-blame can feel automatic. Research on shame and self-criticism suggests that when something feels uncertain or like it’s not working, our mind often shifts into a threat-based response:
“I’m the problem”
“I’ve done something wrong”
“I should have known better”
This can be particularly strong in therapy because:
The relationship can feel important or emotionally vulnerable
There may be a perceived authority difference
There’s often uncertainty about what’s “supposed” to happen
Judith Herman (1992) describes how people with trauma histories often internalise responsibility for relational difficulties. So when therapy feels off, the assumption can quickly become: “It must be me.”
Similarly, research on client experiences shows that people sometimes hide confusion or disagreement in therapy to avoid disappointing the therapist. This can later be remembered as “I wasn’t doing therapy properly,” when it may have been a form of self-protection. From the outside, this can look like engagement. Internally, it can feel like pressure, over time, it can lead to the thought:
“I’m doing this wrong, but I don’t know how to fix it.”
The Role of Shame and Self-Criticism
Self-blame in therapy often travels with shame. Compassion-focused research and self-compassion theory suggest that when people interpret difficulty as personal failure, it can activate our brain’s threat system, making openness, reflection, and learning more difficult. This can create a loop:
Something feels difficult or unclear in therapy
Our mind interprets this as “I’m doing it wrong”
Shame increases
Engagement becomes harder
The original belief feels confirmed
Breaking this loop doesn’t require getting therapy “right.” It often begins with changing how the experience is understood.
A Different Way to Think About Stuckness
In many contemporary therapies, moments of stuckness are not looked as failure, they’re treated as information. In DBT for example the core assumption is that clients are doing the best they can while also working toward change. This creates a both / and perspective:
Your current responses make sense in context
And there may still be room to adjust, experiment, or shift over time
Similarly, rupture-and-repair research suggests that when therapy feels off, through misunderstanding, withdrawal, or tension, this is not a breakdown of therapy, but part of the process itself. What matters is whether those moments can be noticed and explored.
How This Can Show Up in Everyday Life
The feeling of “doing therapy wrong” doesn’t just stay in the therapy room, it often echoes broader patterns:
At work: You might overprepare for sessions or worry about “presenting” your experiences clearly.
In relationships: There may be a tendency to monitor how you’re coming across, or to prioritise being agreeable over being honest.
In health or wellbeing: You might feel pressure to “heal faster or properly,” leading to frustration when progress is uneven.
In identity: You may find yourself wondering whether you are “a kind or good enough person.”
These patterns are not separate from therapy, they often become part of what therapy is about.
Neurodivergence, Culture, and Fit
For some people, the feeling of “doing therapy wrong” can reflect a mismatch between the therapy model and the person, rather than an issue within the individual. This can be particularly relevant for:
Neurodivergent individuals (e.g. ADHD, autistic people), where traditional talk-based or abstract approaches may not fit cognitive or sensory styles
People from culturally diverse or collectivist backgrounds, where Western therapy models may feel unfamiliar or misaligned
Individuals navigating systemic stressors (e.g. financial pressure, discrimination), where therapy may not fully account for real-world constraints
In these cases, the question may shift from
“Am I doing therapy wrong?”
to
“Is this approach fitting how I think, feel, and live?”
A different way to think about your role
Rather than asking "am I doing this right?", it can help to reframe what you are trying to achieve in therapy. Your role is not to perform insight, demonstrate progress, or arrive already healed, the goal is something both simpler and much harder:
To show up as honestly as you can manage, on that particular day
To notice, when you are able to, what feels useful and what doesn't
To let your therapist know when something lands, and when it doesn't
Everything else is the therapist's work to figure out.
A Different Way to Think About Therapy
Some people find it helpful to think of therapy less like a test, and more like:
A Conversation That Can Change Shape: Not every session needs to be deep, emotional, or productive in a visible way.
A Process That Includes Uncertainty: Not knowing what to say can be part of the work, not a barrier to it.
A Space Where Feedback Matters: Noticing confusion, discomfort, or misalignment can be useful information.
A System With Real-World Limits: Things like Medicare session caps, NDIS plans, or time constraints shape therapy, but they are administrative structures, not reflections of effort or worth.
If You Notice the Thought “I’m Doing This Wrong”
Rather than trying to correct the thought immediately, it may be worth simply noticing:
When does this thought tend to appear?
What seems to be happening just before it?
What might it be trying to protect you from?
Sometimes these thoughts are less about therapy itself, and more about how it feels to be in a space where attention is focused on you.
