When Trust Breaks
Understanding the Impact of Infidelity and Betrayal
Trust is the invisible thread that holds relationships together. When it breaks, whether through infidelity, hidden financial decisions, emotional secrecy, or technological betrayal, the pain can feel overwhelming.
Many couples wonder: Can we ever come back from this?
The good news is that often “yes”, trust can be repaired, but the difficult part is that often it is not through a single apology or quick fix. Instead, rebuilding trust is more often a step-by-step process, one that values safety, understanding, and shared meaning.
What Counts as Betrayal?
Infidelity is not just about sex. Research and therapeutic frameworks now recognise a wide range of trust ruptures. These can include:
Emotional affairs: confiding deeply in someone outside the relationship.
Financial betrayal: hiding debts, spending without discussion, or secret accounts.
Technology-based secrecy: private messaging, dating apps, or undisclosed online behaviours.
Avoidant disconnection: using work, hobbies, or substances to escape intimacy.
As Esther Perel and Shirley Glass have shown, betrayal is not defined by a single act, but by the breach of your shared agreements as a couple, either spoken or unspoken. The challenge is how to clarify what has happened, without blame, and to find a point where you can both understand: What did this mean to each of us?
The Kintsugi Vase
Imagine your relationship is a beautiful vase. When betrayal happens, it feels like the vase has shattered. You can try to glue it back together, but the cracks remain.
In Japanese culture, there’s a practice called Kintsugi, where broken pottery is repaired with gold. The cracks are not hidden, instead, they are highlighted. The vase becomes not just whole again, but uniquely beautiful.
Done well, trust repair is like Kintsugi. The goal is never to make your relationship the same. Going back, you risk a repeat of what brought you to the place where the betrayal occurred. Moving forward, with care and intention, your relationship can become stronger and more meaningful because of what happened rather than in spite of it.
Create Safety Before Repair
You cannot build trust in a state of threat. According to Polyvagal Theory, our nervous system is always checking whether we are secure or in danger. If we feel unsafe, we may shut down, avoid, or react defensively. In these states, it becomes difficult to access the social, connected part of ourselves that makes trust possible.
This is particularly true for those of use with a trauma history, or sensory challenges, where these responses are normal signs of stress, or our body trying to move into survival.
Strategies:
Pause before deep conversations.
Use distress tolerance techniques to calm the body (movement, deep breathing, weighted objects).
Create a shared “pause signal” (e.g. saying “timeout” or using a card).
Agree on a time to resume (e.g., “Let’s talk Friday morning”).
These steps support co-regulation, helping each other move out of survival mode and into connection.
Understand the Why Without Blame
Understanding is different from excusing. Rather than focusing on “Who was right?” or “Scoring Points”, ask:
What did this experience mean to each of us?
What needs were unmet?
What patterns were we stuck in?
For example, an affair might reflect not just desire, but a longing to feel seen, alive, or validated. Exploring this helps prevent future ruptures, whether you stay together or not.
Practise Accountability and Consistency
Forgiveness isn’t about forgetting, it’s about rebuilding safety through predictable, honest behaviour. According to the Gottmans, trust is built not through grand gestures, but instead through small, consistent actions.
Trust-Building Examples:
Daily check-ins.
Following through on commitments.
Being open about emotions and thoughts.
Research has found that acknowledging the impact of your actions on your partner showing remorse and following up with shared rituals were key predictors of being able to repair trust.
Reconnect Emotionally, Slowly
After experiencing a betrayal, emotional and physical intimacy can feel unsafe. Healing involves creating new experiences of being seen, and feeling soothed, and supported. This doesn’t mean rushing into sex or “acting normal.” Instead, it means building micro-moments of connection. These will be different for everyone, but can include:
A shared walk.
A moment of laughter.
A compliment or expression of appreciation.
A written note or texted emoji check-in.
Over time, these small acts can create a new emotional foundation.
Clarify Your Future, Together or Apart
Not all relationships continue in the same format after betrayal. The goal is for you to both explore:
Do I want to stay in this relationship?
Can I feel safe again with this person?
What would a healthy future look like, together or separately?
Whether you rebuild together or how would you decide to part ways with care? The goal is maintain your emotional integrity and clarity, rather than rush into a decision due to feelings of unresolved anger or shame.
Working Together
Sometimes therapy can be challenging for both parties. Rather than “taking sides,” our goal is to find a place (either in the room, or at home) where you can work together as a team, focusing on the problem, not on blaming each other. Strategies might include:
Understanding your past attachment and communication blocks.
Exploring emotions like grief, anger, shame, or fear.
Rebuilding rituals of connection.
Defining personal and shared values.
Choosing whether to reconcile or shift the relationship into a different kind of connection.
Relationships come in many forms, monogamous, polyamorous, LGBTQIA+, culturally diverse. Sometimes we outgrow the boxes we once fit into. It can be powerful to pause, reflect on who we are now, and consider where we want to go, without judgment.
Special Consideration: Financial Betrayal
Financial secrecy is often overlooked, yet it remains a leading cause of divorce. Examples can include:
Hiding gambling or debts.
Secret credit cards or accounts.
Withholding financial information or decisions.
Repairing from this form of betrayal involves:
Transparency and shared budgeting.
Discussing “money stories” and values around finances and what money means to each of you.
Establishing agreements and rituals (e.g., “money dates” or shared goals).
Can Relationships Grow After Betrayal?
Yes, but growth is not guaranteed it will require mutual commitment, not pressure.
Studies show that some couples report deeper intimacy, better communication, and stronger values after healing from betrayal, but this growth only occurs when:
Both partners are able to take accountability.
Safety is restored.
Emotional truth is honoured.
Forgiveness is genuine and not forced.
Moving Forward Towards Hope and Healing
Betrayal is painful, but it doesn’t define your worth. Whether you are the betrayed or the betrayer, healing is possible. As trauma expert Judith Herman reminds us:
“The survivor’s task is not to forgive, but to make meaning,
to recover agency, dignity, and emotional freedom.”
You don’t have to do this alone, sometimes your partner can be the person to turn to, if they are able to offer you a safe, respectful space to explore your path together to be able to move forward.
