Unlocking Emotional Patterns
Schema Therapy’s Role in Relationship Healing
Ever found yourself stuck having the same fight with your partner over and over again? Do you feel like you shut down when things get too tense, or feeling hurt over something small, a message left on “read”, or a friend who doesn’t return your wave when you see them down the street? These moments might seem irrational, but they’re often driven by our patterns formed in our past. Schema Therapy can help us make sense of our past triggers, and work to change our reactions.
What Is Schema Therapy?
Schema Therapy is a practical, evidence-based model that helps us understand and change long-standing emotional habits. These habits, called schemas, are deep beliefs about ourselves and the world around us that usually form early in life. They shape how we think, feel, and behave.
When our core emotional needs (like attachment, boundaries and emotional validation) go unmet, we develop unhelpful beliefs like:
“People will always leave me” (Abandonment)
“I’m not good enough” (Defectiveness)
“I have to please everyone to be accepted” (Subjugation)
Schemas don’t stay in the past, they show up in everyday life: in how we argue, how we cope with conflict, and even how we choose our current partners.
What Are Schema Modes?
Schema modes are emotional states we move through when we’re triggered. You might recognise some of these in yourself:
Child Modes
Vulnerable Child: Feels scared, rejected, or alone.
Angry Child: Reacts with frustration when our needs aren’t met.
Shamed Child: Believes we’re unworthy or broken.
Coping Modes
Compliant Surrender: Gives in, people-pleases, avoids conflict.
Detached Protector: Shuts down, avoids emotion, withdraws.
Over-Controller: Gets critical, micromanages, or takes charge to avoid feeling vulnerable.
Parent Modes
Punitive Parent: Harsh inner critic.
Demanding Parent: Pushes perfection or ignores emotional needs.
And then there’s the Healthy Adult Mode, the balanced, grounded part of us that sees clearly, communicates calmly, and meets our needs and sets boundaries in healthy ways.
Introducing the Clash Card
Our relationships with others can trigger our deepest wounds. That’s where the Clash Card comes in handy, it’s a simple but powerful tool used in Schema Therapy to help us unpack what’s really happening during conflict, or surrender.
How it works:
Identify the Trigger - What happened?
“They didn’t reply to my message.”
Recognise the Schema - What old belief popped up?
“People always leave me.”
Name the Child Mode - How did you feel?
“I felt rejected and invisible.”
Spot the Coping Mode - What did you do in response?
“I sent a passive-aggressive message.”
Notice the Core Belief - What story were you telling yourself?
“I’m too needy. No one really wants me.”
Get Clear on the Unmet Need - What were you really needing?
“To feel secure and connected.”
By slowing down and reflecting on these pieces, you shift from reacting on autopilot to responding from a place of awareness.
What Happens When Modes Clash?
Let’s say one partner tends to shut down (Detached Protector), and the other lashes out (Angry Child). Here’s what that might look like:
Partner A withdraws during arguments.
Partner B feels rejected and gets louder, trying to connect.
The more B pursues, the more A retreats.
Both feel misunderstood.
With the Clash Card, couples can step back and map out these patterns, helping them understand each other’s emotional triggers instead of taking them personally.
Schema Mismatches:
When Opposites Attract (and Agitate)
Some couples trigger each other’s schemas without realising it. For example:
A partner with a Compliant Surrender schema may constantly give in to avoid conflict, while their partner runs an Entitlement schema, expecting things to go their way.
One feels invisible and unimportant, the other feels burdened or annoyed by emotional needs.
Schema Therapy encourages couples to explore:
Where did these patterns come from?
What fears or needs are driving our behaviour?
How can we create a shared language for navigating conflict?
Using the Clash Card Beyond Romantic Relationships
The Clash Card isn’t just for couples—it can be used in all kinds of relationships:
Friendships: Maybe your friend avoids tough conversations, and you take it personally. The card helps you realise they’re coping with their own discomfort, not rejecting you.
Workplaces: A micromanaging boss might be stuck in Over-Controller mode. You may react by withdrawing (Flight Mode) or people-pleasing (Surrender Mode).
Family: Generational patterns (like criticism or emotional avoidance) often repeat until we name and change them.
Benefits of the Clash Card
Helps you slow down reactivity.
Increases emotional self-awareness.
Builds empathy and communication in relationships.
Makes space for both people’s needs to be heard.
Encourages boundaries, not blame.
