Coercive Control and Relationships
When we think of abuse, we often picture bruises or screaming matches, but some of the most harmful forms of abuse leave no physical marks. Coercive control includes emotional, psychological, financial or social domination. It can happen in any type of relationship: romantic, family, friendship, or even at work. It can chips away at our confidence and self-esteem until we no longer trust ourselves.
The Duthie Power and Control Wheel helps make sense of how this works. It’s not about one-off incident, or miscommunication. It’s about patterns of behaviour that quietly, steadily erode our autonomy.
Let’s break down the “cogs” of the wheel and see how they show up in all kinds of relationships.
Coercion and Threats
“If you speak up, you’ll regret it.”
Whether it’s a partner threatening to take the kids, a parent saying they'll cut you off, a friend blackmailing you with secrets, or a boss dangling your job over your head, threats don’t need to be carried out to do damage. Just the fear is enough to shift power and keep you quiet.
Intimidation
“You don’t have to say anything—I just have to look at you.”
Intimidation can be subtle, it can be a slammed drawer, an aggressive stare, a loaded silence. In families, it might be a parent looming in anger. In the workplace, a manager who stands too close and speaks too low. In friendships, it’s the passive-aggressive text or controlling tone. Together, they’re all about the feeling of anxiety, or walking on eggshells.
Emotional Abuse
“You’re overreacting. No one else would put up with you.”
Emotional abuse wears down your sense of worth. It can be gaslighting, constant put-downs, or dismissing your feelings. Whether it’s a partner calling you “crazy,” a sibling always criticising you, or a colleague playing favourites and making you feel invisible. The sensation is of feeling of self-doubt and the goal is to keep you stuck where you are.
Verbal Abuse
“You’re useless. Why are you even here?”
This can be shouted or whispered, said in anger or under the guise of a joke. From name-calling to sarcasm, verbal abuse is a direct hit to your confidence. In any setting, it can make you shrink yourself to avoid being targeted.
Isolation
“They’re no good for you. Just stay with me.”
Isolation doesn’t always come with chains, it often comes with guilt, or a feeling of obligation. A partner might make you feel bad for seeing friends. A parent might discourage outside opinions. A friend might make you feel like you're betraying them by having other connections. A manager might “forget” to CC you on important emails. The more you’re cut off, the easier you are to control.
Minimising, Denying, and Blaming
“I was just joking. Don’t be so sensitive.”
They deny your reality, shift blame, or pretend it never happened. You start to wonder if it’s really as bad as it feels. This tactic makes you question yourself, rather than the person hurting you. And when you believe it’s your fault, your confidence takes the fall.
Using Children
“If you leave, the kids will hate you.”
Kids can become weapons. In co-parenting or family situations, they may be used to relay messages, guilt-trip, or manipulate. A parent might say, “After all I’ve done for you,” or use access as leverage. It adds guilt, fear, and confusion, especially when you're trying to do what’s best for everyone.
Privilege
“I’m older / richer / more important—so I decide.”
Power comes in many forms: gender, age, money, status. A partner might invoke “traditional roles.” A parent might say, “You live under my roof.” A friend might use popularity to dominate a group. A boss might expect deference because of their title. It reinforces hierarchy and silences your voice.
Economic or Financial Abuse
“You don’t need money—you’ve got me.”
Money is a massive tool of control. In relationships, it might mean tracking your spending or not allowing access to joint funds. At home, it could look like conditional allowances. At work, it’s being denied resources or fair pay. When you can’t make independent financial decisions, it’s incredibly hard to walk away.
How It All Adds Up
These tactics don’t usually appear in isolation. They layer, one on top of the other. One cog turns the next, and over time, your sense of self shrinks.
You start to:
Question your memory and judgement
Doubt your capabilities
Feel undeserving of support or respect
Struggle to make even basic decisions
Eventually, you may stop seeing a way out. That’s the insidious power of coercive control—it doesn’t need to scream to silence you.
What You Can Do
These tactics are designed to confuse, control, and wear you down.
Identify: Recognising the behaviours for what they are is powerful.
Reach out: Building up your support base and remembering that you are not alone.
Document it: Writing things down helps you see patterns and validate your experience.
Seek support: Legal, financial, and emotional support exists, especially if you feel unsafe.
Coercive control can happen in any relationship, and to anyone. It's not always easy to see, especially when it's dressed up as love, loyalty, or leadership.
Need Support?
In Australia, you can contact:
1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) – 24/7 national counselling service
Lifeline – 13 11 14
MensLine Australia – 1300 789 978
Beyond Blue – 1300 22 4636
Let’s keep turning the wheel—not in silence, but towards safety, strength, and self-trust.
