Understanding and Managing Your Emotions
Emotions are a powerful part of us, but without guidance they can make us feel like we are downing rather than being able to hear what they have to say. Whether it’s the sting of guilt, the ache of sadness, or a rush of fear, our emotional responses tell us something about our world and ourselves. Our emotions also have the power to lead us astray, especially when they’re based on past trauma, rigid thinking, or false beliefs.
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), developed by Dr Marsha Linehan, is a practical, evidence-based approach to help us better understand, evaluate, and respond to our emotional world. In emotional regulation, we try to determine what we are feeling, if our emotions are justified, if they are helpful to the situation and then how to respond effectively, without being overwhelmed.
Name It to Tame It
Before you can do anything useful with your emotions, you’ve got to figure out what they are.
Example: You’ve just turned down a mate’s invitation for a weekend getaway because you’re feeling burned out. Later, you feel sick with guilt and start questioning yourself. Are you actually guilty—or just afraid of letting people down?
In DBT, this step involves:
Labelling the emotion (e.g. guilt, shame, fear).
Noticing your body cues (tight chest, nausea, flushed face).
Recognising thoughts and urges (“I should say yes,” “I’m a bad friend”).
Observing your behaviour (withdrawing, over-apologising, overcommitting).
Is the Emotion Justified?
Once you’ve identified the emotion, ask: Is it based on what’s actually happening—or a story you’re telling yourself?
Guilt
Justified: You snapped at your partner during an argument and now feel awful. That’s your moral compass saying, “Repair this.”
What to do: Apologise, own it, and think about what you’ll do differently next time.
Unjustified: You feel bad for saying no to a family dinner so you could rest. You feel guilty for having your own needs, or setting a boundary.
What to do: Remind yourself that self-care isn’t selfish. No apology needed.
Shame
Justified: You told a lie that could hurt someone’s trust in you. That shame says, “Own it and do better.”
What to do: Make amends. Then move forward.
Unjustified: You feel ashamed for needing mental health support. This is due to society or cultural stigma, not because there is anything wrong with you.
What to do: Challenge the belief, recognise that others deserve support. Talk to someone who won’t reject you.
Anger
Justified: Your friend borrowed your car and returned it with damage, and didn’t tell you. Totally fair to feel angry.
What to do: Use assertive communication and set boundaries.
Unjustified: You’re fuming because someone didn’t text back fast enough. Chances are your reaction is more about your rigid thinking or reacting to how you think things “should” be, or is even out of proportion to the situation.
What to do: Take a breath, delay your reaction. Check your story, consider the other perspectives, maybe they were just busy.
Fear
Justified: Walking through a dark alley at night. Your body’s saying, “Stay alert.”
What to do: Trust your instincts. Take action to stay safe.
Unjustified: You’re afraid of joining a new hobby group because “people might not like me.”
What to do: Push back gently with opposite action, go anyway, but make a plan to leave early if you need to. You might just enjoy it.
Respond—Don’t React
Now that you’ve named your emotion and checked whether it’s justified, choose how to respond:
Problem Solve (when justified):
Speak up or set a boundary.
Repair what needs fixing.
Make a plan to avoid repeating the issue.
Example: You yelled during a heated work meeting. If you feel guilty, own your mistake and apologise, and clarify your point more calmly next time.
Opposite Action (when unjustified or unhelpful):
Do the opposite of what the emotion urges.
If shame says “hide”—speak up.
If fear says “run”—stay (if safe).
If guilt says “apologise again” but you already did—stop.
Example: You’ve already said sorry to your sibling for a missed birthday dinner due to illness. That’s enough. Don’t over-apologise, honour your needs, too.
Emotions Are Information, Not Decisions
Emotions like guilt, shame, and fear can be some of the hardest to sit with—but they don’t have to control your life. We use our emotions as signals, not stop signs. Just because you feel something doesn’t mean it’s true or that you need to act on it right away. DBT shows us that with awareness, curiosity, and practice, emotional regulation becomes less about “fixing” feelings and more about responding wisely.
Emotional Regulation in a Nutshell
Notice – Tune in without judgment.
Name – Label the emotion clearly.
Check – Ask if it’s justified.
Choose – Decide your next step.
Act – Take values-based, wise action.
