The Circle of Closeness
Ever find yourself wondering why some relationships feel safe and grounding, while others leave you drained or on edge? Sometimes, depending on our history, or our neurobiology, “connection” can feel... complicated.
The Circle of Closeness is a simple tool that can help us reflect on our relationships, set healthy boundaries, and notice where we feel safe, and when we can let down our mask.
What Is the Circle of Closeness?
Imagine your social world as a set of circles, with you in the middle. The closer someone is to the centre, the more we can be emotionally close and vulnerable. This is not about how often we talk to someone, it’s about how open you can be with them.
Here’s a quick breakdown:
Innermost Circle (Dance Naked Circle): These are your people. The ones you can cry in front of, ask for help, and be fully yourself with, no masks, no filters. Think: partner, best friend, maybe your dog?
Second Circle: Close friends or family you care about deeply but don’t always share everything with. You might still hold back a little.
Third & Fourth Circles: Friends, extended family, neighbours, co-workers, people you like but keep things lighter with.
Fifth & Sixth Circles: These are more formal or distant connections, this could be, your boss, or the barista who knows your order but not your story.
Over time, people can move through your circles. Some move inwards as trust builds. Others move out if boundaries are needed. Sometimes our relationships don’t end, they transition.
Why Vulnerability Matters
Real connection doesn’t come from always agreeing or spending all our time together. Connection comes from how we resolve conflict, from trusting that we can be vulnerable, that even if someone doesn’t approve of what we have done, or who we are, they will accept us without judgement. Vulnerability is about being able to be emotionally open in a way that feels safe.
Sometimes if we’ve been hurt, rejected, misunderstood, or overwhelmed in relationships before, vulnerability or openness can feel like a risk. That’s normal.
The idea of the circle of closeness is for us to explore who we feel safe being open with, and who might not be there yet, and how many walls we might have put up.
Psychology Behind the Circles
Here’s how the science backs this up:
Attachment Theory
How we connect with others often comes from early relationships. If our early caregivers were reliable and emotionally present, we’re more likely to feel secure opening up. If not, you might lean towards avoidant, anxious, or disorganised patterns.
Example: If we have avoidant traits, we may struggle to even let our partner into our innermost circle. This isn’t wrong, it’s just how we’ve learned to protect ourselves.
Polyvagal Theory
Our nervous system plays a big role in how safe we feel. When it senses danger (even emotional), it flips into fight, flight or shutdown mode. Safe relationships help calm that response.
Example: Someone with neurodivergence may mask in social settings to avoid discomfort. It can be a challenge to learn to unmask even with close friends.
Interpersonal Neurobiology
Dr Dan Siegel says that our brains are shaped by relationships. When someone "gets" us, listens without judgement, and showing empathy, it changes our brain. Literally.
Example: Learning to check-in with a partner emotionally instead of jumping straight to solutions can shift and deepen your connection, like building a muscle.
Tailoring the Circle to You
Everyone’s circle looks different, some people might prefer fewer, deeper relationships. Use these questions to map your own Circle:
Who’s in your innermost circle—and why?
Who do you feel safe crying in front of? Who do you mask around?
Are there people you’d like to bring closer?
Who drains you, and might need a boundary?
What does “emotional safety” feel like in your body?
It’s not the size of the inner circle, it’s about the quality of the relationships where you feel seen, supported, and safe to be yourself.
Connection doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Vulnerability is a skill, and like any skill, it can be learned, practised, and nurtured.
