The Four Horsemen of Communication: How to Beat Them as a Team
Conflict happens in every relationship, whether with a partner, family member, workmate or friend. It's not the disagreement that causes damage; it's how we handle it. Dr John Gottman's famous "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" describe four communication patterns that predict relationship breakdown: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
Recognising these patterns early and replacing them with healthier responses can turn conflict into collaboration. Our goal is to shift from fighting each other to fighting the problem together.
Criticism vs. Gentle Start-Up
Criticism is when we attack someone's character rather than addressing their behaviour.
How Criticism Looks:
"You never help clean up. You're so lazy."
"You always mess up. You’re hopeless."
"You never listen. You only care about yourself."
Why It Hurts:
Criticism makes people feel attacked, leading to defensiveness or withdrawal. It moves focus away from the actual problem and changes the focus to the other person.
The solution:
Gentle Start-Up Use "I feel" statements and focus on the behaviour, not the person. Invite collaboration, not confrontation. Better Examples:
"There’s a lot of mess, do you think we could work out a roster to figure out how to manage it together?"
"I'm feeling stressed when mistakes are made. Would double-checking things before submission be useful?"
“I feel like our communication is difficult, is there a better time for us to talk?”
Picking your battles, acknowledging your emotions, and staying calm are key. It’s not about winning or scoring points against each other it's about working together as a team.
Contempt vs. Building Appreciation
Contempt goes beyond criticism. It communicates disgust and disrespect, often through sarcasm, mockery, or eye-rolling.
How Contempt Looks:
(eye-roll) "Wow, another smart move. Classic you."
"Maybe if you actually knew what you were doing, we wouldn't be behind."
"You’re so pathetic. Grow up."
Why It Hurts:
Contempt is the biggest predictor of relationship breakdown. It breeds shame, resentment, and even physical health issues.
The solution
Share Fondness and Admiration. Focus on small moments of appreciation. Aim for a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions with the people who are important to you. Better examples of communication:
"Thanks for helping, it made a real difference."
"I appreciate your attention to detail. It helped us catch that issue early."
Contempt drives people apart. Appreciation brings them back together.
Defensiveness vs. Taking Responsibility
Defensiveness is making excuses, shifting blame, or denying responsibility.
How Defensiveness Looks:
"It's not my fault dinner was late, you should have reminded me!"
"You didn't tell me the right deadline."
"Well, you forgot last time too, so why are you upset at me?"
Why It Hurts:
Defensiveness blocks genuine communication. It shifts the goal from solving the problem to proving who's "right."
The solution
Take Responsibility Own your part, even if it's small. This invites teamwork instead of blame. Better examples:
"I lost track of time. I'll set a reminder next time."
"I see that I misunderstood the deadline. I'll clarify earlier in the future."
Accountability isn't about taking all the blame. It's about moving forward together.
Stonewalling vs. Self-Soothing and Reconnecting
Stonewalling happens when someone emotionally shuts down, going silent, avoiding eye contact, withdrawing from the conversation.
How Stonewalling Looks:
Leaving the room mid-argument and refusing to come back.
Ignoring emails or zoning out during meetings.
Silent treatment after a disagreement.
Why It Hurts:
Stonewalling leaves problems unresolved. It makes others feel rejected, abandoned, and unimportant. An important distinction:
Stonewalling is shutting someone out without explanation.
Self-Soothing is recognising your overwhelm, communicating it, and committing to return.
The solution: Healthy Self-Soothing
Communicate first: "I'm feeling overwhelmed. I care about this conversation. Can we take a 20-minute break?"
Take a proper break: Use breathing exercises, a short walk, or grounding techniques.
Return to the conversation: Calmly pick up where you left off to complete the discussion.
Example in the Workplace: "I'm feeling a bit overloaded right now. Can I take a short break and revisit this meeting after lunch?"
Self-soothing isn't running away, it's pausing with a plan to reconnect. That plan is what maintains trust.
It's Us vs. the Problem
Whether at work, with family, siblings, or partners, communication isn't about winning arguments. It's about protecting your relationship.
Every time conflict arises, ask yourself:
Are we attacking each other or teaming up against the problem?
Are we shutting down or making space to return stronger?
Are we building blame or building connection?
Healthy communication isn't about being perfect. It's about being intentional, one conversation at a time.
Read more from the Gottmans -
