Team Work in Relationships
Relationships May Be Work, But They Shouldn’t Be a Fight
Relationships require effort, but they shouldn’t feel like a battle. Conflict is inevitable in any long-term partnership, but how it is handled determines whether a relationship thrives or deteriorates.
Dr John Gottman’s research identifies four destructive behaviours, known as the "Four Horsemen", Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. These behaviours haven known to predict relationship breakdown.
The key to a strong relationship is shifting from seeing disagreements as battles to be won, to treating them as shared challenges. Repair attempts, like validating your partner’s emotions, using gentle communication, taking responsibility and focusing on shared solutions, can prevent small disagreements from turning into full-blown conflicts.
If You Feel Like You Are Fighting With Your Partner, What Are You Trying to Win?
Many relationship conflicts stem from a desire for acknowledgement and connection rather than a need to "win". When arguments become about proving a point rather than wanting to achieve a mutual understanding, we are losing emotional closeness.
Gottman’s framework highlights that many conflicts arise from unacknowledged emotional needs. Partners who focus on proving themselves right, rather than listening to their partner, often lose the emotional safety and intimacy that relationships need to thrive.
Instead of viewing arguments as competitions, it’s more productive to prioritise connection over victory. When couples shift from "winning" to gaining an understanding, their relationship becomes stronger and more resilient.
When you are having a conversation or disagreement with your partner, it’s important to keep in mind what are actually trying to achieve.
How Do You Feel About Your Partner If You See Them as the Loser of the Fight?
Contempt is one of the strongest predictors of divorce, according to Gottman’s research. When one partner sees the other as a "loser" in a fight, the relationship suffers from an erosion of trust and respect.
Esther Perel’s "Art of Listening" emphasises the importance of validating emotions rather than dismissing or diminishing them. When partners treat each other with contempt, this can be through sarcasm, eye-rolling, or belittling, we create emotional distance that can be difficult to repair.
Instead of trying to "win" a disagreement at your partner’s expense, a healthier approach is to build our admiration for our partner. We want to maintain our mutual respect, seeing each other as equals, rather than adversaries. This approach strengthens emotional intimacy and long-term connection.
Are You and Your Partner on the Same Team?
Strong relationships are built on teamwork. Partners who view themselves as allies rather than opponents are more likely to experience long-term happiness and fulfilment.
Gottman’s research on relationship repair and teamwork shows that successful couples approach conflicts collaboratively. Instead of assigning blame, they focus on taking responsibility and finding solutions together. This means approaching the problem from the same side, rather than attacking each other. Starting difficult conversations gently rather than with accusations can also help maintain a cooperative mindset rather than a competitive one.
When partners adopt a "we before me" mentality, they shift their focus from proving each other wrong to working together against challenges. This perspective fosters resilience, strengthens trust, and builds a foundation for a long-lasting, fulfilling relationship.
Collaboration Over Conflict
The science behind strong relationships is clear, collaboration and empathy are the key to constructive conflict resolution.
When we prioritise understanding, respect, and teamwork in our relationships they become more fulfilling and resilient. By shifting the focus from competition to connection we can create an enduring bond built on trust and mutual support.
