Schemas - Understanding Emotional Patterns
Schemas are deeply ingrained patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving. They shape how we understand ourselves, relate to others, and respond to life’s challenges. These patterns often begin in childhood, based on how consistently our emotional needs were met.
Schemas aren’t inherently negative, some help us build confidence, connection, and resilience. Others, known in schema therapy as early maladaptive schemas, develop when our needs go unmet. We develop beliefs and patterns of response in order to protect us at the time, but these may become limiting or restricting as we grow or our environment changes.
The good news is that while we have learned our schemas, we can also unlearn them.
When Emotional Needs Are Met: Healthy Schemas
In safe, nurturing, and predictable environments, we internalise healthy beliefs about ourselves and others. These beliefs, called healthy schemas, become internal strengths that support our wellbeing across the lifespan. Examples of healthy schemas include:
Trust and Security: “I can rely on others, and I am safe.”
Self-Worth: “I am lovable, even with imperfections.”
Confidence: “I can handle challenges, and help is available if I need it.”
Boundaries: “I can express my needs and respect others’.”
Joy and Flexibility: “It’s safe to play, rest, and be myself.”
Healthy schemas help us navigate life with openness, self-compassion, and emotional resilience.
When Needs Go Unmet: Maladaptive Schemas
When emotional needs are unmet or inconsistently met, we can develop negative or “maladaptive” schemas. These are deeply held beliefs that the world is unsafe, that we may be unworthy, or that our needs don’t matter.
In schema therapy, maladaptive schemas are grouped into five core domains, each linked to a specific set of unmet needs. Below, we explore these domains, with healthy and unhealthy patterns with some examples of the beliefs that can form around them.
Disconnection and Rejection
Unmet Needs: Safety, love, belonging, acceptance
When early relationships feel unpredictable, critical, or emotionally unavailable, we may internalise beliefs like:
“I will be abandoned.” / “People will hurt or use me.” / “I’m not worthy of love.” / “I don’t belong anywhere.”
Common Maladaptive Schemas:
Abandonment
Mistrust/Abuse
Emotional Deprivation
Defectiveness/Shame
Social Isolation
Example:
Someone may avoid asking for support, not because they don’t need it, but because they expect to be ignored or rejected.
Healthy Beliefs When Needs Are Met:
“I am safe and cared for.” / “I can trust others to support me.” / “I am lovable and worthy of connection.” / “I belong, just as I am.”
Impaired Autonomy and Performance
Unmet Needs: Independence, self-confidence, identity
When we are overprotected, criticised, or discouraged from making our own decisions, we may struggle to trust ourselves. This can lead to beliefs like:
“I can’t manage on my own.” / “Something bad will happen.” / “I’ll never measure up.”
Common Maladaptive Schemas:
Dependence/Incompetence
Vulnerability to Harm
Enmeshment
Failure
Example:
A person might avoid taking on new responsibilities, not because they lack ability, but because they fear falling short or letting others down.
Healthy Beliefs When Needs Are Met:
“I can face life’s challenges and learn from setbacks.”
“The world has risks, but I am capable of navigating it.”
“I have my own identity, separate from others.”
“I can grow through effort and support.”
Impaired Limits
Unmet Needs: Boundaries, self-discipline, respect for others
When we don’t face or manage limits and expectations, we may face challenges with impulses or to respect boundaries, either our own or others’.
Common Maladaptive Schemas:
Entitlement/Grandiosity
Insufficient Self-Control
Example:
Someone may find themselves procrastinating or acting on impulse, then feeling overwhelmed or ashamed when consequences follow.
Healthy Beliefs When Needs Are Met:
“My needs matter, and so do others’.” / “I can manage frustration and follow through.” / “I respect limits and take responsibility for my actions.”
Other-Directedness
Unmet Needs: Balanced self-expression, autonomy in relationships
Some of us learn that pleasing others is the only way to stay safe or connected. Over time, this can create patterns like:
“My needs aren’t as important.” / “I must keep others happy or I’ll be rejected.”
Common Maladaptive Schemas:
Subjugation
Self-Sacrifice
Approval-Seeking
Example:
Someone may always put others first, even to the point of exhaustion, feeling guilty when they prioritise themselves.
Healthy Beliefs When Needs Are Met:
“My needs are valid and important.” / “I can say no and still be loved.” / “I’m appreciated for who I am, not just what I do.”
Overvigilance and Inhibition
Unmet Needs: Play, spontaneity, self-compassion
When we have taken on too much responsibility or experienced critical, perfectionistic, or emotionally suppressive environments we can learn to hide our feelings or hold ourselves to unrealistic standards.
Common Maladaptive Schemas:
Negativity/Pessimism
Unrelenting Standards
Emotional Inhibition
Punitiveness (Self or Other)
Emotional Constriction
Fear of Losing Control
Example:
A person may suppress sadness or vulnerability, fearing they’ll be judged as weak or out of control if they show emotion.
Healthy Beliefs When Needs Are Met:
“It’s safe to feel and express my emotions.” / “I can be kind to myself, even when I make mistakes.” / “I can rest, play, and enjoy life.” / “I don’t need to be perfect to be worthy.”
How Schemas Show Up in Everyday Life
Schemas can be triggered when present-day events feel similar to past experiences, this is sometimes called emotional time travel.
Examples:
A delayed reply from a friend triggers fears of abandonment.
A work mistake brings up deep shame and makes you feel small, like a child again.
A moment of overwhelm leads to emotional shutdown or overcompensating through perfectionism.
When activated, we may:
Surrender: Accept the schema as true (“I’m unworthy.”)
Avoid: Disconnect emotionally (“I don’t care anyway.”)
Overcompensate: Push ourselves too hard to disprove the schema (“I must prove I’m not a failure.”)
Schemas Are Not Personal Flaws
Schemas are not character defects, they’re survival strategies, adaptations to challenging environments. They may have once helped us cope, but over time, they can keep us stuck.
However, with awareness, support, and self-compassion, it’s possible to shift the patterns that no longer serve us, and they can change.
Practical Reflections
Here are some gentle starting points to explore your own schemas:
Notice when a strong emotional response might be tied to your past.
Name the pattern: “This feels like my shame schema being activated.”
Pause and reflect: “What need might be showing up here?”
Be kind to yourself: These patterns formed for a reason, and they can be unlearned.
Final Thoughts
Schemas form in response to how our core emotional needs were met, or not met, in our past. They shape how we connect, cope, and see ourselves today, but they’re not set in stone. Understanding our schemas is not about blame, it’s about awareness, and that we are in a constant state of growth, and healing.
