What Is the Cost? Aligning Your Values and Decisions
Every decision “spends” something: time, energy, money, attention, spoons. What Is the Cost? is a simple, values-based lens that helps us pause and ask: “If I keep going down this path, what is it costing me, and is it worth the life I want to build?” Recently, a South Australian woman spent four years contesting a $104 parking fine. Her case went all the way through multiple courts, and while the charge was ultimately withdrawn and a portion of her legal costs were ordered to be repaid, she also spent years of time, stress, and tens of thousands of dollars along the way.
We’re not focusing on the legal issue, or parking, but about how we make decisions about what is “worth it”, especially when we care deeply about fairness, integrity, or being understood, and how aligning our choices with our values can protect our wellbeing, relationships, and mental health.
When “Being Right” Gets Expensive
Most of us have had a moment where we “won”, the argument, the complaint, the point of principle, but walked away feeling exhausted, lonely, or uneasy. In the parking fine case, the woman (known in court documents as Ms Mathie) was originally fined for “double parking” near a school in Adelaide’s north. Over four years, her matter moved through the Magistrates Court, Supreme Court and Court of Appeal before the charge was withdrawn and the council ordered to pay part of her legal bill. It provide powerful example of values and cost:
A strong value for fairness and principle
Real-world costs in time, money, stress and opportunity
A question many of us can relate to:
“If I had known the full cost at the start, would I have chosen the same path?”
There is no single “right” answer. For some, defending a principle is absolutely worth it. For others, the same battle would feel like too high a price. What matters is making that choice consciously, rather than on autopilot.
What Do We Mean by “Values”?
Values are not rules or goals, they’re the qualities that make life feel meaningful, like:
Connection
Fairness
Integrity
Rest
Growth
Creativity
If goals are destinations (“finish my degree”, “pay off debt”), values are the compass directions (“learn”, “stability”, “contribution”). We never “tick off” a value; we move towards it, one action at a time. We sometimes describe this as valued living: acting more in line with what matters to us, even when life is stressful or uncertain. Values-based living and psychological flexibility (the ability to stay present, adjust, and still act in line with values) are linked with better wellbeing, resilience and life satisfaction.
A simple example:
If connection is a value, “10 minutes of phones-down conversation at dinner” is a values-aligned action. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but small, repeatable actions are enough to move us towards our goals.
Every Yes Contains a No, The Hidden Costs in Choices
Every decision carries an opportunity cost, what we cannot do because we chose this instead.
Saying yes to defending a complaint may mean saying no to sleep or family time.
Saying yes to endless overtime may mean saying no to rest, hobbies or health.
Saying yes to people-pleasing may mean saying no to boundaries.
We can consider this a form of cost–benefit reasoning. Research shows that mental effort and internal conflict feel costly in themselves, which is why long, drawn-out disagreements or legal processes can be draining even when we “win”.
A quick micro-prompt you can use: “If I say yes to this, what might I be saying no to?” When we ask ourselves this question, we don’t have to change our answer, just noticing the trade-off is a powerful first step.
When Values Collide
Difficult decisions rarely involve a “good” value versus a “bad” one. More often, we have to choose between two good values:
Fairness vs Peace
Loyalty vs Boundaries
Achievement vs Rest
Caring for others vs Caring for ourselves
When values clash, it is normal to feel guilt, confusion, or self-doubt. Rather than searching for the one perfect answer, a more compassionate question is: “Which value matters most in this situation, given the resources I have today?”
What we’re missing isn’t the energy we wish we had, or the money we used to have, it’s the capacity we actually have in this moment.
This ability to flex around values and circumstances, while still moving in a meaningful direction, is called psychological flexibility.
Couples and close relationships
In couples therapy (including approaches informed by the Gottman Method), we often zoom out from want to know “Who is right?” to “What are our shared values, and what is this conflict costing us as a team?”
Questions might include:
“What does this fight represent for each of us?”
“What is it costing us in friendship, safety, or intimacy?”
“Is there a lower-cost way we could honour this value together?”
“What Is the Cost?” Tools You Can Use
These tools are adapted from values-based and ACT-informed approaches. They’re not a treatment plan, but they can support reflection between therapy sessions. Research suggests that values clarification and small, values-aligned actions can support wellbeing and flexibility in many settings.
The Values Compass (5-minute exercise)
Write down 8–10 values (e.g., connection, fairness, rest, growth, stability, creativity).
Circle 3–5 that matter most to you this week.
For each one, choose a tiny, repeatable action. For example:
Health may mean you do a 3-minute stretch after you wake up
Connection could mean sending one caring message to an important person
Integrity could include one honest sentence in a tricky email
Ask yourself:
“If I say yes to this, what am I saying no to?”
The Life Budget Check-In
Once a week, gently review your “spending”:
Time: Where did your hours go?
Energy: What drained you? What renewed you?
Money: Any spending that didn’t match your priorities?
Attention: What got the best of your focus?
Even one small shift (e.g., 10 minutes moved from doom-scrolling to rest) is significant.
The Inner Courtroom Self-Audit
Before you launch into a battle (legal or emotional), pause and ask:
Defence: What value am I standing up for?
Prosecution: What might this cost me (sleep, mood, time, relationships, spoons)?
Jury: What is my capacity and support like today?
Judge: What is the smallest humane step that honours both my value and my limits?
The “Every Yes Contains a No” Sticky Note
Write this phrase somewhere visible:
“Every yes contains a no.”
Use it before you hit “send”, say “yes” to a favour, or lodge an appeal.
The 60-Second Nervous System Pause
When you feel pulled into a fight:
Feel your feet on the ground.
Lengthen your exhale three times.
Notice one thing you can see, hear and feel.
Then ask: “What matters most here?”
Even brief grounding practices can support emotion regulation and decision-making.
Micro-Connection Ritual
Pick a low-effort ritual that honours your value of connection:
Phones-down, eye contact, 10 minutes at dinner
A short walk with someone you care about
A shared cup of tea without screens
Low cost, high yield.
Fairness with Care (Setting Limits Around the Fight)
If you’re pursuing a principle (complaint, appeal, formal process), set limits in advance:
“I’ll make two phone calls and write one letter, then reassess.”
“I will give this X dollars and Y hours, and then I’ll choose whether to continue.”
This protects other values such as health, family, and rest.
Shared Values Map (for Couples or Families)
Together, write down:
Your top three shared values (e.g., respect, stability, adventure).
One small action for each this week (e.g., “respect” could be “no name-calling in conflict”).
This can sit alongside couples work such as Gottman-informed interventions that focus on friendship, shared meaning and healthy conflict.
From Winning to Living
You do not have to win every argument, reply to every comment, or pursue every fine to the highest court to live a meaningful life. Next time you find yourself gearing up for a battle, online, in your family, at work, or with an institution, you might pause and ask:
“What is this costing me, and is that cost worth the life I want to build?”
Living by your values doesn’t remove all pain or difficulty, but it can help ensure that, whatever the outcome, you are spending your limited time, energy and attention on what truly matters to you.
Information from the original article
South Australian woman wins four-year court battle over $104 parking fine - By Evelyn Leckie & Josephine Lim
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2025-11-13/sa-womans-parking-fine-court-win/106004454
