How Do You Ask to Be Loved?
Understanding the Hidden Language of Reassurance in Relationships
Have you ever wanted to say, “I’m feeling insecure, can you hold me?”, but instead blurted out, “You don’t really love me, do you?” If so, you’re not alone.
For many of us, asking for love is one of the hardest things to do. It feels vulnerable, risky, even unsafe. Instead of directly expressing our need for closeness, we sometimes communicate in roundabout or defensive ways, these are called “indirect emotional bids”. They are protective strategies.
We can use this communication technique to try to shield us from the pain of possible rejection, but they also make it harder for our partner to understand what we really need. Instead of bringing us closer, they can accidentally push our partner away.
What is Behind an Indirect Requests?
Attachment and Safety
Attachment theory shows how our early experiences shape the way we ask for closeness as adults. If love felt conditional, inconsistent, or unsafe in childhood, expressing vulnerability now can feel terrifying.
Securely attached people usually feel confident asking directly for reassurance.
Anxiously attached people may fear rejection, leading to behaviours like criticism, withdrawal, or repeated questioning.
Avoidantly attached people may fear a lack of freedom and protect themselves by minimising or hiding their emotional needs.
Schemas and Protective Modes
Schema Therapy describes how our early experiences can shape our beliefs and deep emotional patterns shaped in childhood, can create protective responses in adulthood.
For example:
Defectiveness/Shame Schema: We may say “You deserve better than me” (really meaning: “Please tell me I’m enough.”)
Abandonment Schema: I may feel “You don’t love me anymore” (really experiencing a fear: “Please don’t leave me.”)
Emotional Deprivation Schema: I may believe “Feelings don’t matter, I don’t need anything from anyone” (really meaning: “I wish someone would notice what I need.”)
These are not manipulative tactics. They are survival strategies, we learn these behaviours to try and stay safe when being vulnerable felt risky or became painful.
The Two-Leg Model: Blue and Red
Eckhard Roediger’s Two-Leg Model offers a helpful metaphor for some relationships. Imagine we all walk on two emotional legs:
Blue Leg Represents Attachment and Connection, our need to feel loved, safe, and close.
Red Leg Represents our need to feel respected, capable, and in control.
When we lose balance and lean too heavily on one leg, our relationship can wobble:
Too much Blue Leg → people-pleasing, clinging, fear of abandonment.
Too much Red Leg → criticism, anger, or controlling behaviours.
For example: when one partner reaches out with criticism or harsh words (“You never care about me”), the other may respond by shutting down or pulling away. Both are trying to protect themselves, but it creates the pursuer–withdrawer cycle and makes connection harder to achieve.
The Porcupine: Spikes That Hide Softness
Think of a porcupine, soft and sensitive on the inside, but covered in sharp quills for protection. When it’s scared, it doesn’t reach out gently, it spikes up. Humans can do the same in relationships. When we feel insecure or unloved, we might:
Yell or criticise when we’re really hurting inside.
Withdraw or shutdown when we actually want to feel closeness.
Use sarcasm or self-deprecation (“You’d be better off without me”) when we’re longing for reassurance.
These “spikes” aren’t about trying to trick our partner. They’re protective responses designed to shield ourselves from rejection or pain. The problem is that spikes tend to repel the very closeness we’re craving.
Asking to Be Loved vs. Asking to Be Unrejected
There’s a subtle but powerful difference:
Asking to be Loved: “I’m feeling a bit insecure. Could you remind me that we’re okay?”
Asking to be Unrejected: “You don’t love me anymore, do you?”
The first is a vulnerable request for connection. The second shifts emotional risk to the partner, forcing them to reassure, without revealing the speaker’s true need. Both want closeness, but one invites intimacy while the other invites defensiveness.
Practical Strategies to Try
Here are evidence-based ways to shift from spikes to softness:
Name the Emotion, Not the Blame
Instead of: “You never care about me.”
Try: “I felt a bit left out when you didn’t text back. Could we check in more often?”
Use the “Soft Startup” (Gottman, 2020)
Start conversations with:
“I feel…” (name the emotion)
“I need…” (name the need)
Example: “I feel anxious when you’re late, and I’d really appreciate a message, so I know you’re safe.”
The Two Doors Metaphor
Door A: Honest but vulnerable – “I miss you, can we spend some time together?”
Door B: Protective but distancing – “You never make me a priority.”
Door B may feel safer, but Door A builds intimacy.
Emotion-to-Need Decoder
Anger → Often hides fear or hurt
Sarcasm → Often hides shame or longing
Withdrawal → Often hides fear of rejection
Try asking yourself: “What softer feeling is underneath my reaction?”
Practice Balance (Blue + Red Legs)
In moments of tension, pause and ask:
Am I standing on my Blue Leg (seeking closeness)?
Am I standing on my Red Leg (seeking respect/space)?
Can I balance both by saying: “I need closeness, and I also need to feel heard”?
Ethical and Cultural Sensitivity
It’s important to remember:
In some cultures, indirectness is a respectful way of asking for love.
Neurodivergent people (e.g., Autism, ADHD) may express emotions differently due to masking, sensory sensitivities, or alexithymia (difficulty naming feelings).
For trauma survivors, vulnerability may feel unsafe until emotional regulation strategies are in place.
Our goal isn’t to “fix” communication styles but to create a space of emotional safety, clarity, and choice.
Protecting Something Precious
If you’ve ever said, “You’d be better off without me,” when what you meant was “Please don’t leave”, give yourself space to see that you were trying to protect something important.
Our communication styles are signs of our capacity for love and connection. With awareness, practice, and support, and in safer environments and relationships we can learn to express our needs more directly, softly, safely, and with strength.
