Finding Clarity in Conversations: Seeing What Is Underneath The Conflict

30 Jan

Communication is something most of us do every day, with partners, colleagues, family, or friends. Yet many people walk away from a conversation feeling unsettled or unsure why something that seemed small became tense.

For those navigating the effects of trauma, neurodivergence (such as ADHD or Autism), or long-standing patterns of communication, these moments can feel even more confusing. Words might feel mismatched with tone, or meaning gets lost beneath stress and intention.

Sometimes having a scaffold can support reflection and understanding during difficult conversations. We can use it as a reference point: something to glance toward when the words start to blur.

Why Conversations Can Feel Tangled

Even in caring relationships, conversations can drift off course. A question about the dishes becomes a debate about fairness. A pause becomes a sign of withdrawal. Often, what looks like miscommunication is really a mix of nervous system activation, emotion regulation challenges, and differing communication styles. Research on mentalising, emotion regulation, and attachment theory suggests that tension in conversation often reflects stress responses, not lack of care. When we understand this, it becomes easier to see these moments not as failures but as signals, reminders that something important may need more space, connection, or clarity.

Introducing the CLARITY Framework

CLARITY is a guide that can help with communication. It is not a clinical protocol or treatment. It offers points of focus that help both people orient when conversations feel foggy or fast.

C-Context

Locate the when and where. Focus your conversation on just one topic at a time.
Specific context lowers ambiguity and helps both people see the same picture.
- “Yesterday at dinner, when…” rather than “You never…”

L-Literal Language

Where possible use clear, direct words to reduce guesswork. Literal doesn’t mean rigid, it means clear enough for both people to follow.
- “I felt overlooked when my comment wasn’t acknowledged,” rather than “Well, I guess my opinion doesn’t matter.”
Literal language is especially supportive for people who process information directly or who find subtext confusing. It reduces cognitive load and keeps focus on meaning rather than guessing.

A-Assume Positive Intent (or Complexity)

Some comments can feel like an attack.
Assuming positive intent doesn’t excuse harm; it creates space to wonder before judging.
- “I don’t think you meant to dismiss me, but that’s how it felt.”
In safe relationships, this stance can soften reactivity. Where safety or respect is uncertain, it’s okay to assume complexity instead and prioritise protection over interpretation.

R-Reflect

Check you understanding of what the other person has said before responding.
A moment of reflection ensures you have the correct meaning rather than launching into a point of escalation.
Reflection is about checking, not convincing.
- “Does that match what you remember?” / “Is that how you saw it?”
Research shows reflective listening supports regulation and mutual understanding.

I-Invitations or Intentions

Offer small, collaborative steps rather than demands, this can sound like making collaborative suggestions rather than a statement.
- “Could we pause before switching topics next time?”
This echoes behavioural and interpersonal research: small, specific shifts are more manageable than abstract demands.

T-Time

A short pause, with an agreed return, allows regulation and safety (with a plan to return to the conversation).
Pushing through when you are stressed can do more harm to the conversation than good.
- “I’m getting overwhelmed. Can we take ten minutes and come back at 7:30?”
This practice supports co-regulation and prevents misinterpretation as avoidance.

Y-Yes/No Choices

Simplify decisions when things feel overwhelming.
Give an option to step away if needed (e.g. “Would you prefer a chat now or after lunch?”)
When options feel overwhelming, simple choices help restore a sense of control:
“Would you like to talk now or after lunch?”
This is especially helpful for people who experience decision fatigue, ADHD, or autistic processing differences.

What’s Beneath the Words

Many “dishwasher” arguments aren’t really about dishes, they’re about feeling unseen, unsupported, or disconnected. Schema and attachment research describe this as touching “primary emotion”, the tender layer beneath protective reactions. Questions might sound like:

“Is this about chores, or about feeling stretched thin?”
“Am I annoyed, or actually feeling overlooked?”
“What would help us feel more like a team?”

These questions don’t fix the moment but often soften it.

Everyday Places CLARITY Can Help

Work

“In yesterday’s meeting, I felt unsure when the deadline changed, could we clarify priorities?”

Friendship

“When you didn’t reply yesterday, I felt uncertain, are we okay?”

Self-Talk

“Do I need time before deciding?”

Parenting:

“Would you like to get dressed now or after breakfast?”

This provides a binary choice as well as context.

Creating small adjustments can provide emotion regulation and perspective-taking, skills that foster safety and collaboration over time. Try one small element and notice how the interaction feels.

A Neurodivergent- and Trauma-Affirming Lens

People communicate differently, some of us need extra processing time; others prefer immediacy, some think aloud, others need a quiet moment. Taking an individualised approach reminds us that comfort requires insight, no communication strategy works when our nervous system feels under threat.

Safety first. If a conversation feels unsafe, the priority is support and protection, not structure.
All steps are optional. If “positive intent” doesn’t fit your history or context, skip it.
Pacing matters. Shorter exchanges with planned returns can be kinder when we feel overwhelmed.
Differences do not mean deficits. Directness, more processing time, or a preference for literal language are all valid communication preferences.

Recognising when a familiar tool no longer fits is a sign of self-awareness and care. Change in relationships rarely happens through a sudden breakthrough, more frequently it happens between moments, through noticing and recalibration.

Everyday Ways to Notice Patterns

You might experiment with:

Micro-check-ins: brief moments of co-regulation before and during a conversation.
Nervous system scan: “Am I calm enough to talk right now?”
Reflection: “Does that match your experience?”
Emotion naming: “When that happened, I felt unheard.”
Choice offering: “Now or later?”

These are invitations, not steps to complete.

Clarity Is about Connection, not Perfection

Conversations aren’t tests, they’re ongoing, messy, human exchanges, they don’t need to be perfect to be meaningful. Often, what matters most is curiosity, a willingness to notice what’s happening beneath the words. If you take one question from CLARITY, it might be: