Why Rest Feels Hard

Why Can’t I Just Relax?

It’s a long weekend, your calendar is clear, your phone is off, and you’ve told yourself: “I finally have time to rest,” but instead of feeling peaceful, you notice a feeling of unease. Guilt creeps in, and your to-do list whispers.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. There are well-researched reasons why taking time for ourselves can feel uncomfortable, especially during long weekends, breaks or holidays.

Rest Isn’t Selfish or Lazy, It’s Neuroscience

Modern culture often ties our self-worth to how much we achieve. This mindset can make rest feel undeserved. Yet neuroscience shows that rest is essential.

Research suggests that times of rest can activate our brain’s default mode network, which supports creativity, emotional regulation, and memory. In other words: when we think of our as being at rest, it’s shutting down, it’s restoring.

Metaphor: Think of yourself like your phone. You wouldn’t expect it to run all day without re-charging, nothing works if the battery’s drained.

Why Long Weekends Can Feel Harder

Ironically, extra time off often can intensify our guilt. Many of notice thoughts like:

• “I should make the most of this time.”

• “If I don’t clean the house, I’m wasting the weekend.”

• “Everyone else is doing more.”

These thoughts reflect cognitive distortions, deeply ingrained beliefs that link our self-worth with productive we can be. Social media comparisons and high-performance work cultures only amplify these thoughts.

Metaphor: Trying to rest while feeling guilty is like filling a bath with the plug still out. No matter how much water you pour in, it keeps draining away until the plug is secured.

The Productivity–Self-Worth Loop

Burnout isn’t just about working long hours, it’s when we experience a mismatch between effort and recovery. When we are in a state of constant exertion without taking enough time for restoration, this can be seen as the productivity–self-worth loop.

Where we work hard and delay rest leading to burn out. When we burn out and aren’t performing, we feel guilty causing us to push harder. This causes the loop to restart.

When Rest Feels Unsafe

Not everyone has equal access to rest. Caregiving, financial stress, cultural expectations, and trauma history all shape our perception and experience of rest. It doesn’t always mean stillness.

Trauma:

·       If stillness was once linked to criticism or danger, slowing down can activate our feelings of anxiety.

• Polyvagal Theory explains that our nervous system can shift between stress (fight/flight), shutdown, and safety. Rest is most accessible when we feel safe, but if safety hasn’t been part of our experience, stillness may actually feel threatening.

Neurodivergence:

• People with ADHD, autism, or sensory sensitivities can struggle with traditional “doing nothing” rest. Instead, rest might mean creativity, focused hobbies, or sensory comfort.

• This isn’t laziness, it’s a different pathway to restoration. The key is to know how you, your brain and your body feel reenergised.

For some, rest can be gardening, for others, it’s a spiritual ritual, creative play, or gentle movement. The question isn’t “Am I resting the right way?” instead focus on “What helps me feel more alive, not more depleted?”

Tools for Guilt-Free Rest

Name the Guilt

Instead of resisting guilt, name it:

·       “It makes sense that rest feels hard. I’ve been taught to value doing more than being.”

This mindfulness-based strategy creates distance from unhelpful beliefs.

Reframe Rest as Maintenance

Shift your perspective from

·       “I have to earn rest” to “I rest so I can sustain myself.”

Athletes train, then rest. Your brain and body are no different.

Use Micro-Rest

Rest doesn’t need to be long or perfect. Try:

• Taking a 10-minute walk (without your phone)

• Having a mindful cup of tea (notice the smell, the feel, the sounds around you)

• Take three deep breaths before checking your emails

Create a Rest Menu

List activities that recharge you. Options might include:

• Music or art

• Gardening

• Sensory comfort (weighted blanket, quiet space)

Rest Is Resistance and Renewal

If slowing down brings you feelings of anxiety, shame, or discomfort that you can’t shift alone, you’re not failing, you’re human. We live in a culture that equates worth with productivity, and rest can represent a radical shift. It is not laziness, indulgence or a reward. Rest is how humans restore, grow, and thrive.

You’re not a machine, you’re human, and humans need rest, not just to survive, but to live well.