Why Didn’t I Just Do the Thing?
Tackling Procrastination with DBT’s Missing Links Analysis
We’ve all had those days: the email stays unsent, the gym bag gathers dust, appointments remain unbooked, phone calls unmade. You had the intention, you may even have had a plan, but the things you wanted to do, didn’t happen.
Before you start beating yourself up, consider that avoidance doesn’t equal laziness. It’s often a sign of unmet needs, emotional overload, or a misfire in the steps it takes to turn intention into action.
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) offers a practical framework for unpacking what may be happening underneath. It’s called the Missing Links Analysis, a four-step process to figure out what actually got in the way. If we identify the real problem, then we can start to work through our challenges with usable strategies.
Step 1: Did I Know What Was Needed?
Sometimes the block is simple: you didn’t actually know how to do the thing.
Example:
Imagine you are trying to register for a course at TAFE. Instead you keep putting it off, feeling stuck and annoyed with yourself. In reality it may be that you don’t fully understand how to navigate the online portal or which documents she needed.
Why this happens:
Instructions weren’t clear
Info overload
Trouble focusing or remembering steps
Try this:
Break the task into small, concrete steps (e.g., “Find my ID” → “Check course dates” → “Login to TAFE portal”)
Use visual or written prompts like sticky notes or checklists
Ask for help, no shame in needing clarity
Step 2: Was I Willing?
You might’ve known what to do but didn’t want to. Not out of laziness, but because it felt hard, emotionally heavy, or just... not right.
Example:
You’ve promised to RSVP to a friend’s birthday. Each time you try to send a text, you feel frozen, close the phone and put it off until later. The thought of going feels exhausting, you realise you have only agreed to go out of guilt.
Why this happens:
Task feels like a demand (hello, rebellion)
Emotional overwhelm (anxiety, fear of failure)
Values misalignment (you said yes when you meant no)
Try this:
Reframe it as a choice: “Do I want to do this now or tomorrow?”
Use micro-steps: “I’ll just type ‘Happy Birthday!’ and save the draft”
Check your values: “Is this something I want or just agreed to?”
Use a reward (music, tea, comfy clothes) to pair with the task
Step 3: Did the Task Even Cross My Mind?
You were willing… but just forgot. Sometimes life gets in the way.
Example:
Image we’ve intended to take medication or vitamins or drink 2 litres of water every day. How do we remember to do the new habit? Unless the bottle is on the bench or somewhere we see it, building a new habit into our day we don’t think of it. Out of sight can mean that it’s literally out of mind.
Why this happens:
Time blindness (you lost track)
Object impermanence (if you don’t see it, you forget it)
Emotional numbing or avoidance
Try this:
Set phone alarms or use sticky notes
Leave visual cues in obvious places (put the bill by your kettle)
Tie it to a routine: “After I brush my teeth, I’ll take my medication”
Think about the task during movement (walking, showering)
Step 4: What Got in the Way of Action?
You knew. You remembered. You even wanted to, but you still didn’t start.
Example:
You’ve opened your laptop to start a report, stared at the screen, then… scrolled Instagram for 45 minutes. Classic executive dysfunction.
Why this happens:
Task feels too big or effortful
Shame or self-doubt (“What’s the point?”)
Distractions or physical discomfort
Trouble initiating (common with neurodivergence)
Try this:
Create a “start ritual”: stretch, make a drink, play music, then begin
Body doubling: work beside a friend, even virtually
Use the “2-minute rule”: just start for 2 minutes, then reassess
Validate your struggle: “It makes sense that this is hard, and I’m still trying”
Curiosity Over Criticism
Next time you catch yourself avoiding a task, don’t go straight to shaming yourself, you wouldn’t do that to a friend. Instead, start with non-judgemental curiosity, ask yourself:
“Where was the link broken?”
Maybe you didn’t know what to do. Maybe you weren’t emotionally on board. Maybe the task never even entered your mind. Or maybe you just couldn’t start.
Whatever the reason, you’re not broken, often, what is happening is that you’re blocked. Every block has a workaround when you approach it with kindness, clarity, and strategy. The key is to identify the real challenge, instead of blame.
