Do You Build Walls or Bridges?
How Vulnerability Builds Connection in Relationships
It’s easy to mistake over-giving for love in our relationships. Being helpful, selfless, endlessly available, these behaviours are often praised, but underneath them, there can be something deeper: fear. Fear of being abandoned, or ignored, left unseen, neglected or of being emotionally exposed.
Esther Perell says –
“Sometimes we replace being loved with being needed”.
We may think we are being the “supportive partner”, we take on tasks, fix problems, offer help, underneath we may be hoping our usefulness will make someone stay. This isn’t love, we are fostering dependence. Its survival dressed as service, and by not receiving these gifts in balance, we block the very connection we yearn to create.
What Vulnerability Really Looks Like
Vulnerability isn’t about telling someone every detail or fact about you or your life at once. Being vulnerable also isn’t about overwhelming someone with unfiltered emotion. It’s about emotional honesty, sharing how you feel, and giving space to hear their thoughts and response, especially when it’s uncomfortable.
For example, someone might say, “We argued again last night. He left the house.” That’s a factual statement, but it keeps the speaker emotionally distant.
Compare that to: “I felt abandoned and scared when he walked out. I worry he’ll stop loving me if I speak up.” This second version opens a window into the emotional truth, and to the reality of what was experienced. It builds intimacy and connection. It invites empathy. Vulnerability isn’t about the volume of the words; it’s about the meaning of them.
Blocking Connection (Without Meaning To)
Often, we may believe we’re connecting when we share, but the way we share can actually push others away.
First, there’s “trauma dumping”, sharing painful experiences, in factual form, without boundaries or context. It’s unfiltered and often comes without checking whether the other person is emotionally able to receive it. The story is told like a report. It can leave the listener feeling shocked or emotionally flooded. The emotion is created in the listener, yet the “teller” will often state facts, rather than their feelings.
Then there’s dissociation (a common trauma response) where someone recounts a traumatic or painful event in a flat, detached way. Similar to “trauma dumping”, the emotional content is missing. While it may seem composed, often the details will come out in segments, out of chronological order, as they try to piece together what happened. This style also makes it hard to connect.
Finally, there’s vulnerable sharing, intentional, considered and emotionally aware. Where we respect the boundaries of the person listening. The content comes with the purpose of building trust and connection. The story will include feelings about how the event was experienced, not just the facts. This style allows for mutual empathy and connection to grow.
Why We Over-Give Instead of Opening Up
Over-giving is one of the most common ways people avoid vulnerability and try to avoid being hurt. It can look generous on the surface, but underneath, it’s often driven by beliefs (and fears) like:
“If I express my needs, I’ll be a burden.”
“If they need me, they won’t leave me.”
“If I ask for help, I’ll seem weak.”
“If I keep giving, I’ll stay in control.”
These beliefs often trace back to our early experiences, times when expressing a need led to disappointment, shame, or rejection, or a time when we felt abandoned hurt or left alone. So instead of risking that pain again, we stay on the giving side of the relationship. We offer support but never ask for anything in return.
This one-way dynamic can serve one purpose, but it risks emotional burnout and creates imbalance in our relationship. Over-giving also prevents the deep, reciprocal connection that comes from letting someone truly see and love us.
Why Vulnerability Can Feel Scary
Being vulnerable often means giving up control. It means letting someone witness the parts of you that aren’t polished or strong. If your early relationships taught you that love was conditional, that it depended on being good, useful, or needed, then simply receiving love can feel dangerous, or unfamiliar.
Many of us have learned that giving equals safety, while receiving equals risk. While familiarity can provide a sense of security, this belief keeps us stuck. It builds emotional walls and robs us of the chance to be fully known.
As Perel puts it, sometimes we trade the discomfort of vulnerability for the illusion of safety that comes with being needed.
How Do You Build Connection Instead of Walls?
Start Small
You don’t have to overshare. Begin with small emotional truths. Instead of saying, “Work’s been hectic,” try, “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately, and I’m struggling to manage everything.”
Let Yourself Receive
When someone offers help, affection, or a compliment, don’t deflect. Pause. Say thank you. Let it land. Receiving is part of the connection circuit. Without it, the emotional flow between two people breaks.
Share How You Feel, Not Just What Happened
Next time you are sharing a key event in your life, listen to how you share. Who are the people you talk about your feelings to? Where it’s safe, try to move beyond the facts of an experience to what it meant to you. What did it stir up? What did it feel like?
Check Your Giving Habits
Before you do something for someone, ask yourself: Am I doing this because I want to, or because I’m afraid of what might happen if I don’t? Ask yourself, “How have they shown up for me in the same circumstance?”
Be Brave Enough to Be Seen
This might be the hardest one. But showing up, truthfully, imperfectly, vulnerably, is the only way real intimacy forms. That’s where trust grows.
Being Needed Is Not the Same as Being Loved
Being needed can feel powerful. It gives us a role, a purpose and can help to provide meaning. It makes us feel secure, but it’s not the same as being loved. The goal is to be wanted not needed.
Love means being seen, especially in your rawest, most human moments, and being held anyway. Having the freedom to be vulnerable, and allowed to be burden, in the same way you allow others to be.
Love is a risk. It means risking rejection to gain real closeness. Vulnerability isn’t weakness. It’s the most honest bridge we can build between ourselves and the people who matter.
