Finding Your Wise Mind
Balancing Emotion and Reason With Compassion
Have you ever felt swept away by emotion, crying, yelling, or withdrawing before you’ve even had a chance to think? Or maybe you’ve gone in the opposite direction: shutting your feelings down completely, relying only on logic and action plans, but later realising something important was missing.
These experiences are human and common. In Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), they are described as being in Emotion Mind or Rational Mind. Both states have strengths, but when one dominates, it can make decision-making and relationships harder.
That’s where Wise Mind comes in. Wise Mind is the balanced middle path, where we integrate the messages of emotion with the clarity of logic. It’s not about silencing feelings or becoming a robot, it’s about responding in ways that reflect both your needs and your values.
The Three States of Mind
DBT describes three distinct “minds”:
Emotion Mind
When emotions take the driver’s seat.
Reactions feel urgent, overwhelming, or impulsive.
Example: Snapping at a loved one in frustration after a stressful day.
Strength: Emotions point us toward values (e.g., love drives connection, anger highlights injustice).
Rational Mind
Logical, fact-based, and analytical.
Example: Cancelling a holiday because finances don’t allow it, without acknowledging your disappointment.
Strength: Useful for problem-solving, planning, and staying calm.
Challenge: Can feel cold or disconnected, ignoring relational needs.
Wise Mind
The integrated space where emotion and reason meet.
Example: Recognising disappointment about the cancelled holiday, while working with your partner to find an affordable alternative.
Strength: Helps us act in ways that are effective, compassionate, and values-driven.
DBT founder Marsha Linehan describes Wise Mind as “the part of each person that just knows what is true.”
Steering the Boat
Metaphors can make these states easier to picture. Imagine you’re navigating a boat in a storm:
Emotion Mind: The waves take over, you’re thrown around by feelings.
Rational Mind: You ignore the storm and steer only by the map.
Wise Mind: You read both the waves and the map, then steer with balance and intention.
This metaphor highlights that both emotions (the weather) and logic (the map) provide crucial data. Wise Mind means paying attention to both.
Emotional Justification: Does My Emotion Fit?
Emotions are always valid, they tell us something important about our internal world. But not all emotions are justified by the current situation. Sometimes, past trauma, neurodivergence, or stress can amplify or distort emotions.
Check-in:
Name it: What emotion am I feeling? (anger, fear, shame, sadness, love)
Check fit: Would most people feel this way in my shoes?
Check roots: Is this about the present or a past experience?
Check helpfulness: Will acting on this bring me closer to or further from my values?
Trauma Insight: For trauma survivors, emotions often feel more intense or arise unexpectedly. This doesn’t mean the emotion is “wrong.” It means your nervous system is doing its best to protect you, and that deserves compassion.
Neurodivergence Insight: People with autism or ADHD may find emotions harder to recognise (alexithymia) or may experience stronger fluctuations. Wise Mind provides a framework for navigating these challenges.
What To Do With Emotions
If the Emotion Fits the Facts (Justified)
Communicate your needs assertively.
Set healthy boundaries.
Take action aligned with your values.
Example: Anger → “This isn’t okay, and I need to speak up.”
If the Emotion Feels Too Big or Unhelpful
Distress tolerance: Physical techniques to calm the body down, this can include changing your breathing, splashing cold water, or focusing on sensory details.
Name it aloud: “This is fear. I don’t need to act on it right now.”
Opposite action: If you want to withdraw, gently approach instead.
Self-compassion: “It makes sense that I feel this way, and I can choose what to do next.”
Everyday Examples
Workplace Feedback
Emotion Mind: “They hate me. I want to quit.”
Rational Mind: “It’s just feedback. Ignore my feelings.”
Wise Mind: “I feel embarrassed, but I want to learn. I’ll ask for clarity.”
Family Conflict
Emotion Mind: “You ruined everything!” (blame, yelling).
Rational Mind: “Fine, we’ll cancel. It’s logical.” (suppression).
Wise Mind: “I feel disappointed, and I understand the concern. Can we explore options together?”
Strengthening Your Wise Mind
Wise Mind is like a muscle, the more you practise, the stronger it becomes.
Pause and Breathe before reacting. Even a few seconds makes a difference.
Name the Emotion: Use simple words, “I feel sad,” “I feel angry.”
Check the Timeline: Is this about the past, the present, or both?
Identify Your Values: What matters most to you in this moment?
Choose Intentionally: Act in a way that is both kind and clear.
Why It Can Be Hard to Access Wise Mind
For many people, reaching Wise Mind is difficult at first.
Trauma histories may trigger dissociation, emotional flooding, or shutdown.
Neurodivergence can make internal emotional cues harder to read.
Stress and power imbalances (e.g., workplace dynamics) may make Wise Mind choices feel unsafe.
Remember: Wise Mind doesn’t mean you’ll always act perfectly. Sometimes pausing, waiting, or even doing nothing is the wisest choice available.
Evidence for Wise Mind
DBT has been researched extensively as an effective therapy for emotion regulation, interpersonal functioning, and mental health. Studies highlight Wise Mind as a core component that improves:
Our ability to tolerate distress
Reducing impulsive behaviour
Increasing self-awareness and reflection
Recent research shows DBT-informed strategies are beneficial not only for people with borderline personality disorder (BPD), but also for those with ADHD, autism, PTSD, and chronic stress.
Remember
Wise Mind isn’t about being “calm all the time” or “feeling the right emotions.” It’s about holding space for both your emotion and rational thought, then choosing a response that aligns with your values.
Whether you’re navigating trauma, neurodivergence, relationship stress, or everyday challenges, Wise Mind gives you more choices about how you want to behave or react in the moment. Over time, the pause between feeling and doing becomes stronger.
