DARVO and FOG: How to Recognise Manipulative Communication Patterns
When Conversations Leave You Doubting Yourself
Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling more confused than when it began, suddenly doubting your memory, your intentions, or even your sanity? You might notice that:
You started by sharing something painful or important.
Somehow, you ended up apologising.
You feel guilty, ashamed, or like you’re “the problem”.
You start wondering, “Maybe I really am too sensitive?”
Sometimes this is just part of experiencing conflict, but in other situations, certain communication patterns can erode self-trust and a sense of safety. Three terms often used to describe these patterns are:
Gaslighting
DARVO (Deny / Deflect, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender)
FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt)
These are not about diagnoses, but they’re helpful ways to describe patterns of communication used to avoid responsibility, deflect blame, or maintain control.
What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is described as a pattern of behaviour where one person causes another to doubt their perception, memory, or judgment. Over time, this can undermine a person’s sense of reality and self-trust. It’s recognised as a form of psychological abuse and coercive control, particularly in intimate or power-imbalanced relationships. Gaslighting can be subtle. It might sound like:
“You’re remembering it wrong. That never happened.”
“You’re overreacting, everyone else thinks I’m fine.”
“You’re imagining things; you’re too emotional.”
“If it was that bad, why didn’t you say something earlier?”
Over time repteated messages like these can lead people to:
Question their memory (“Maybe I did get it wrong.”)
Doubt their emotional reactions (“I shouldn’t feel this way.”)
Minimise harm (“It wasn’t really that bad.”)
DARVO (Deny/Deflect, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender)?
DARVO is a term coined by psychologist Dr Jennifer Freyd, it describes a pattern that can occur when a person is confronted about harmful behaviour:
Deny / Deflect – The person denies or minimises what happened. They deflect the question.
Attack – They criticise or blame the person who raised the concern.
Reverse Victim and Offender – They present themselves as the one who has been wronged, and the person who spoke up becomes framed as the problem.
Step-by-Step
Imagine trying to talk to your partner, “When you raised your voice yesterday, I felt scared.” They respond:
Deny: “I never raised my voice, you’re making that up.”
Attack: “You’re so dramatic; you always start arguments.”
Reverse: “I’m the one who has to walk on eggshells around you.”
By the end of the conversation, you might feel like you’ve done something wrong simply for expressing your feelings.
Examples
DARVO can show up in many contexts:
Families: A parent confronted about hurtful comments says, “You’re ungrateful; I’ve done everything for you,” and then describes themselves as the one being mistreated.
Workplaces: A manager accused of bullying claims, “You’re attacking me; I’m the real victim here,” and questions the employee’s professionalism.
Institutions: A person who reports misconduct is painted as “difficult” or “unstable” while the organisation portrays itself as being unfairly targeted.
FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt)?
FOG stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt. It’s a shorthand used describe the emotional pressure that keeps people stuck in unhealthy or manipulative dynamics. The underlying elements, fear-based control, guilt, and enforced obligation, are well documented in research on coercive control and psychological abuse. FOG can be thought of as the “emotional weather” around manipulative communication.
FOG in Relationships, Families and Workplaces
Fear
“If you leave me, I’ll hurt myself.”
“If you tell anyone, you’ll ruin this family / team.”
Obligation
“After everything I’ve done for you, you owe me.”
“Good children / partners / employees don’t say no.”
Guilt
“You’re so selfish for wanting time for yourself.”
“You’re the reason I’m so stressed.”
People on the receiving end may begin to:
Put others’ needs ahead of their own safety.
Take responsibility for another person’s feelings or behaviour.
Feel unable to say “no” without intense anxiety or shame.
Coercive Control
Emotional abuse and coercive control, including threats, isolation, financial control and degrading comments, are increasingly recognised as serious forms of family and domestic violence, not “just relationship problems”. You can imagine FOG like a thick mist:
DARVO is the “mirror” that flips the story so the person raising a concern feels like the problem.
FOG is the “mist” that makes it hard to see clearly or move freely.
Together, they can leave people feeling lost and unsure which way to steer.
Not Every Conflict Is Control
It’s important not to label every difficult conversation as a form of coercive control. Communication can be shaped by:
Cultural norms (e.g., direct vs indirect styles, hierarchy, saving face).
Neurodivergence, such as Autism or ADHD, where differences in processing, sensory load or emotional regulation can affect how messages are sent or received.
Stress, trauma or mental health difficulties affecting communication.
Key questions to consider are:
Pattern: Does this happen repeatedly, especially when you raise concerns?
Power: Is there an imbalance (e.g., partner, parent, manager, institution)?
Impact: Do you consistently leave interactions feeling unsafe, silenced, or responsible for someone else’s emotions?
We try to focus on impact over intent, and avoid over-pathologising, or labelling, ourselves or others.
From Confusion to Clarity
Grounding in Reality and Your Own Memory
Strategies can help you anchor in observable facts:
After a difficult conversation, write down:
What you remember saying.
What you remember hearing.
Any text messages, emails, or events you can objectively check.
Ask yourself:
“What would a camera have recorded?”
“What evidence do I have for my version of events?”
This isn’t about collecting proof to “win” an argument, it’s about validating your internal experience, especially when you’ve been told repeatedly that your memory is wrong.
Name the Pattern (Even if Only to Yourself)
You don’t have to confront the other person with labels like “DARVO” or “FOG”. Instead, you might simply say to yourself:
“They denied what happened, attacked me, and now I feel like the bad one, that’s DARVO.”
“I’m feeling scared and guilty, but I also feel pressured, that sounds like FOG.”
Naming the pattern can:
Create cognitive distance.
Reduce shame and self-blame.
Help you decide what kind of boundary or support you might need.
Boundaries, Scripts and Values-Based Choices
Remembering where we stand, and recognising when someone is trying to pull us away from our values can be helpful. Examples of values-aligned boundary statements include:
“I’m open to talking about this, but I’m not okay with being called names.”
“I need to pause this conversation. I’m happy to come back to it when we’re both calmer.”
“It’s not okay for my feelings to be dismissed. I’d like us to talk about impact, not just intent.”
Boundaries are not about punishment, they’re about protecting your wellbeing and making space for healthier relating. Boundaries can include time, sensory needs (e.g., time-outs from loud discussions), processing time, or preferred communication methods (e.g., written follow-ups).
Consider your own values and behaviours. If you learned that someone felt distressed after talking with you, would you respond with accusations, or would you offer an apology, compassion, and a genuine effort to repair the relationship?
When to Seek Support
It may be helpful to speak with someone if you notice:
Ongoing confusion, guilt, or “fog” after certain interactions.
Feeling silenced, blamed or responsible for someone else’s emotions.
Worry that your experiences are “not bad enough” to count, yet you feel distressed.
Exhaustion from trying to prove “what really happened”.
If you feel at risk, please prioritise safety:
1800 RESPECT (National, 24/7): 1800 737 732 | online chat available.
SA Domestic Violence Crisis Line (24/7): 1800 800 098.
Yarrow Place Rape and Sexual Assault Service (SA): 1800 817 421.
You may also find general mental health support through organisations such as beyondblue or the Black Dog Institute.
You Deserve Clarity and Respect
If you’ve been caught in foggy, confusing conversations, it doesn’t mean you’re weak or “too sensitive”. Often, it means your inner alarm system is working, noticing that something doesn’t quite add up. Remember:
Confusion is information. Feeling “off balance” after every difficult conversation can be a signal worth listening to.
Naming patterns brings light. Words like gaslighting, DARVO and FOG can help you describe your experience without pathologising yourself.
Support is available. With the right tools, support, and safe relationships, it is possible to strengthen your boundaries, reconnect with your values, and feel more grounded in your own reality.
You deserve relationships where:
Your feelings are taken seriously.
Your memories are not routinely dismissed.
Your voice can be heard without fear, obligation, or guilt.
