When Resolutions Slip: Not the End, Just a Turn in the Path
When the Year Doesn’t Unfold as Planned
The first weeks of a new year often carry both energy and quiet expectation, a sense of fresh beginnings or the hope of gentle change. Intentions form around health, movement, connection, or self-care, and then life continues. Workloads return, energy shifts, or stressors appear.
What once felt clear may begin to fade, replaced by a small voice asking, “Have I already messed this up?” If that feels familiar, you’re not alone.
Is It a Lapse or a Relapse… or Just Life?
Research often distinguishes between:
Lapse – a brief return to an earlier pattern or habit.
Relapse – a longer return that starts to affect our daily life or wellbeing in a negative way.
These words describe our experiences, not our character or worth.
Behaviour change rarely unfolds in a straight line; more often it loops and spirals. A missed routine or difficult week doesn’t erase our progress, it offers information about our capacity, stress, or experiences. Modern models like those from Motivational Interviewing emphasise that it’s what we do after a lapse that matters most.
Why a Lapse Might Happen
Many of us notice slips when our capacity, not our motivation, is under strain. Common contexts include:
disrupted sleep or fatigue
increased sensory or emotional load
changes in routine, medication, or workload
anniversaries, transitions, or conflict
burnout or executive fatigue (particularly for those with histories of neurodivergence or trauma)
These shifts are not about a failure of willpower, they are signs of a nervous system that has reached its limit or requires more support to maintain balance.
Why It Feels Heavier Than It Is
What often turns a small lapse into something larger is the story that follows. The internal voice where we might tell ourselves:
“I’ve ruined everything.”
“This proves I can’t do it.”
“I’m back at the beginning.”
Research calls this the abstinence-violation effect, the surge of shame and self-criticism that can make re-engagement (or “starting again”) feel impossible. A more compassionate viewpoint assumes our mind and body had reasons for stepping back, even if the outcome wasn’t what we hoped.
Resetting Without Restarting
Resetting doesn’t require a dramatic overhaul, and it doesn’t mean we go back to the beginning, more often it begins with noticing:
what’s happening in my body or thoughts
how has my environment changed
what mattered about my original intention
From there, we might take one small step. We can try to use this not as a “failure” but as a learning opportunity. We try to see this as a re-orientation, trying to stay connected, rather than starting over.
Flexible Planning: You Don’t Have to Be Consistent to Be Committed
Change doesn’t require perfection. Building a framework that provides structure without rigidity gives you a plan for days with varying capacity:
Good Days
We reinforce what’s working, build consistency or try something energising.
Whatever you goal this can be cooking, going for a walk, connecting with friends or making a plan
Bad Days
We focus on prioritise safety and drop expectations. Use the smallest helpful step by making a list of what a reduced load would be.
This could mean simplifying your meals, scheduling in rest times, contacting your favourite support people for a chat, skipping the gym.
Very Bad Day
Means taking the time to protect what little energy you have. Take away everything that is not urgent for today.
This could be having pre-prepared meals in your freezer, turn off your notifications, pre-script messages to let people know you’ll catch up another day, reduce decision making, knowing some simple tools that help you when you are stressed.
Creating a tiered plan supports emotional regulation by building predictability and co-regulation strategies, we’re not trying to feel “perfect every day”, just get through the days that are harder than others.
When the Goal No Longer Fits
Sometimes what made sense in January no longer fits by March. Goals can belong to a season, not a lifetime. Often if we use our values as a compass for direction rather than trying to stick to goals, we can create a more accurate direction for our behaviour. Adjusting course isn’t quitting; it’s responding to new information.
When Shame Enters the Picture
Shame often narrows our options and can cloud our perspective. If self-compassion feels unreachable, even softening the tone of our inner voice can be helpful, “This was a hard week” instead of “I failed again”, can preserve our connection to what matters.
Small changes in our internal language can lighten the emotional load. Instead of “I fell off the wagon,” try “I paused for a while,” or “Something changed and I’m noticing it now.”
Self-Reflection Over Rules
You might find it helpful to ask:
What changed recently?
What feels harder or easier right now?
What support, rest, structure, connection, would help today?
Does this direction still fit the life I’m living?
These questions invite orientation, not obligation. We are always learning new things, about others in our lives, about our circumstances and about ourselves.
You Haven’t Failed the Goal, you May Have Outgrown It
Growth can mean discovering that what once served you no longer does. It’s a sign of attunement, not weakness. Adaptability, the capacity to adjust, is a strength in both trauma recovery and ongoing wellbeing.
When Support Might Help
If disconnection lingers or shame becomes heavy, it may be time to reach for more support. If lapses begin to stretch into longer periods of disconnection, or if shame and hopelessness increase, it may be time to reach for additional supports. Find someone who can walk alongside you to explore patterns, build coping capacity, and strengthen self-understanding. This can be a friend, a professional or through noting things in a journal. Supports don’t have to be expensive or formalised, just taking the time to notice and navigate what’s already within reach. Please note this information is general in nature and is not a substitute for personalised clinical advice.
Reflection
You don’t have to start over. A reset is simply a pause for orientation, a moment to notice where you are before deciding where, or whether, to move next. Change, like life, is rarely linear. Noticing that is progress in itself. Each reset is an opportunity to learn what works, and what doesn’t for you.
