Gaslighting
What is Gaslighting?
People often talk about Gaslighting in relationships, but often it’s a word we hear without understanding the meaning.
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation. Gaslighting is a technique used by someone to gain control over another person. We often see it in situations of coercive control, and it has similar elements, of misinformation, social isolation, blame-shifting, minimising your feelings, and projecting their faults or fears onto you. Over time, this can erode the your self-esteem, sense of reality and your ability to trust your own judgement.
Key Characteristics of Gaslighting
Misinformation and Confusion: The gaslighter may twist facts or provide false information to confuse you. This can involve challenging your feelings, or contradicting your experiences, while the effect is you start to question you memory, the goal is always to get control over the situation or the argument so they are back in a position of power.
Isolation: Gaslighters often aim to isolate you from friends, family, and support networks. It’s often not as direct as “you can’t have friends”, but more “why do you need to talk to them?” or “your family hates me”. Often it’s because they feel threatened by others or want to increase your dependency on them, and limit your access to other sources of support.
Blame-Shifting and Minimising: Gaslighters frequently blame you for negative events, making you feel as if you could be better, or not make them angry (change your behaviour), the negative things wouldn’t happen. They also downplay your feelings and experiences, making their outbursts seem insignificant.
Projection and Undermining Self-Esteem: Gaslighters often accuse others of the behaviours they themselves are guilty of, deflecting attention from their own actions. This can include someone else of cheating, when they are doing it themselves.
Manipulation Tactics
Gaslighters employ various tactics to maintain control over their victims:
Love Bombing: Intense attention or excessive admiration and affection early in the relationship to create dependency.
Triangulation: Introducing a third party to create conflict or competition, diverting attention, or reinforce their position. This is normally an ex-partner or someone they can use as an enemy.
Splitting: The gaslighter initially idealises you but quickly devalues you after a perceived slight, leading to emotional volatility. This furthers the idea that if you can just “be better” they will love you again.
Hoovering: After a period of no contact, the gaslighter re-establishes communication with promises of change or by playing on your emotions.
Gaslighting Techniques
DARVO: This acronym stands for Deny/Deflect, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender, a strategy where the gaslighter denies or deflects responsibility, attacks the victim, and then portrays themselves as the victim.
FOG: The gaslighter prays on your feelings of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to manipulate and control you.
Recognising and Responding
Awareness of gaslighting tactics is crucial for recognising and responding to this form of abuse. We want to help you to set and maintain healthy boundaries, practice self-compassion, and seek support from trusted friends, family, or professionals.
Sometimes people will over-simplify the idea of “why don’t you just leave”. Without understanding why people stay.
Gaslighting and Narcissism
Gaslighting is often associated with narcissistic behaviour. This can be a term that is often used without really understanding the complexity of how it feels to be with someone in this situation. Not everyone who gaslights is a narcissist. These are techniques often based in fear, fear for the victim, and from the person using them. Often, they are used in an attempt to regain control, avoid vulnerability, and maintain ego.
Consequences of Gaslighting
The effects of gaslighting are profound and can include self-doubt, anxiety, depression, isolation, diminished self-esteem, loss of identity, and difficulty trusting others. Victims often experience intense emotional turmoil and physical symptoms like headaches, fatigue, and sleep disturbances.
Coping and Recovery
Recovery from gaslighting involves re-establishing relationships with supportive people, attending therapy, and rebuilding self-esteem.
A Great Resource - Book
Sarkis, S. (2018). Gaslighting: How to recognise manipulative and emotionally abusive people-and break free. Hachette UK.
