Radical Acceptance
“The first step in overcoming any misfortune is to allow it to be.”
— William James, philosopher and psychologist
Facing Life with Open Eyes (and a Warmer Coat)
Life is full of the unexpected; grief, breakups, job losses, cold mornings when you’ve planned a swim. In the face of these moments, our natural impulse is often to resist: “This shouldn’t be happening.” Sometimes it’s our resistance can increase our suffering. A strategy from Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) is radical acceptance which teaches us to face reality head-on, with courage, compassion, and clarity.
What Is Radical Acceptance?
Often people mistake the concept of Radical Acceptance with the idea of liking or approving of what is happening. However, it’s about saying “I may not like this but I don’t have to suffer more by denying it.”
This approach doesn’t mean we stop wanting change, rather, it helps us stop wasting energy fighting what cannot be changed, so we can use that energy to make smart, compassionate decisions moving forward and change the things that are within our control.
Denial Increases Our Suffering.
Acceptance Creates Space.
Imagine waking up early, excited to swim, but the weather isn’t what you had hoped. Instead, it’s freezing. You could face the icy water, you tell yourself, “It’s not that cold,” and head out in your bathers. The result? You can push through, possibly switch off the bitter chill, or give in to the shivering, discomfort.
Alternatively, you can accept the truth: “It’s not the day I imaged.” That small shift lets you adapt. You can grab a jumper, find a heated pool, or reschedule. The cold hasn’t changed, but your choice and your suffering has.
Denying reality increases suffering.
Accepting it expands our choices.
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
This core truth is echoed in Buddhism. The Buddha taught that:
All existence involves suffering (dukkha).
Suffering comes from desire; we all have things in our lives we would like to be different.
Suffering can end by letting go of that desire.
This doesn’t mean we should stop wanting things. It means that when we cling tightly to how things “should be,” we can create extra pain in our lives. Radical Acceptance allows us to let go, not of hope, but of the war we wage with reality and the things we are unable to change.
What Radical Acceptance Is Not
It’s not approval: You can accept something without agreeing with it.
It’s not weakness: Facing truth takes real strength.
It’s not giving up: Acceptance is not passivity; it’s clarity in action. It allows us the space to focus on what is important.
It’s not a shortcut to happiness: It’s a practice, often uncomfortable, but deeply liberating.
How Resistance Increases Emotional Suffering
Here’s a simple formula:
Pain: “I lost my job.”
Suffering: “This shouldn’t have happened. It’s not fair. I’ll never recover.”
If we can apply the concept of Radical Acceptance to this situation we can try to reframe with: “This happened. I’m upset. But this is where I am. How do I move forward?”
Acceptance doesn’t erase the pain. It stops us from dragging it behind us like a boulder.
How to Practise Radical Acceptance:
Small Steps First
Radical Acceptance isn’t a single moment. It’s a skill, you build one step at a time.
Start Small
Missed your bus? Take a moment and recognise the pain. “This is frustrating, but it’s happening now?”
Rain when you wanted a picnic? “I wish it were sunny. But I’ll enjoy this moment anyway.”
Use Coping Statements
These phrases can ground you:
“This moment is exactly as it is.”
“Fighting reality only adds to my suffering.”
“I can’t change the past, but I can choose my response.”
Reflection
What am I resisting today?
Is my resistance increasing my emotional load or is it helping me?
What would it look like to accept things, just for now?
Real-Life Application: The Cold Swim Analogy
Let’s return to our earlier example.
You’re determined to swim outdoors, but the weathers icy. If you push ahead in denial, you suffer. If you accept the cold, you open up new options: wear thermals, find a heated pool, or shift your plans. This is not about giving up, it’s about responding to reality with wisdom.
Radical Acceptance doesn’t mean you like the cold. It means you put on a warmer coat.
Radical Acceptance in Practice: When to Use It
Use this skill when you’re facing:
A loss that can’t be reversed
A health issue you can’t control
Someone’s choices that hurt you
Unfair situations you can’t change
Trying to fight these realities only keeps you stuck. Acceptance gives you back your freedom.
Supportive Mindsets: Statements to Practise
Try repeating:
“This is the way it has to be right now.”
“The present moment is all I have control over.”
“Resisting this is only adding to my pain.”
“I don’t have to like it, but I can accept it.”
Use them during moments of distress. Let them anchor you.
Acceptance Is the Beginning of Peace
Radical Acceptance isn’t about liking what’s happening. It’s about stopping the internal war so you can make a plan in order to move forward.
As Marsha Linehan puts it:
“The path out of hell is through misery. By refusing to accept the misery of the climb, you fall back into hell.”
So next time life hands you a cold day, don’t suffer. Accept the chill, bundle up, and walk forward with clarity.
